Frayne Riesling

Monsieur Riesling is the only individual in our brethren to have acquired a medal. Though our sensibilities naturally lean towards the precipice of envy in this regard, we must maintain our calm yet tenacious veneer. To be envious situates one deeply in the pangs and plights of the unfortunate, and children, we are far from that cavernous decrepitude.

Frayne received his medal quite by accident. In 1885 residing in the deplorable hospitalities of the provinces of Indochina, Monsieur Riesling was a key component in the by now infamous defense of the fortress of Tuyen Quang. As you undoubtedly recall the siege of this strategically sound stronghold lasted from November 1884 to February 1885. During this time, constantly bombarded by the deafening echoes of Chinese guns and derogatory slurs, Riesling had resorted to eating buttons and writing imaginary letters to the girls he wished he could dedicate his death to back in the warm arbors of Provence.

The Chinese army consisted almost entirely of the infamous Black Flag, a unit of God foresaken bandits, the remnants of the Taiping rebels, a turgid band of excrementally birthed vermin.

As the siege raged on, Monsieur Riesling more and more incensed by the necessity for consuming items of clothing and unfortunately never having developed the acquired palate for the ivory fasteners of his shirts, fury overwhelmed his otherwise calm demeanor.

In the shower of gunfire that rained perpetually from the sky, it was as though Moses had decided to ally himself inexplicably with the Chinese much to the bemusement of our boys, who had done so well in memorising passages from Exodus, and had called from the divine a plague of raining lead and steel. In fact numerous individuals of the initial fortitude of our legionnaires (numbering 611) recall Frayne calling to the heavens as he climbed the mamelon of the inner fortress, "Moses, vous fils d'une putain".

As he topped the 23 metres of fortified hillock he drew his standard issue pistol and began picking off Chinese soldiers one by one with the incorrigible ferocity of a wolf or a tiger. Far greater perhaps, for now I will compare Riesling's fearsome tenacity to a tiger mounted by a wolf somehow strangely mixed with the enraged spider monkeys of Vrndavana in the presence of the King's impuissant menagerie of tropical birds . . .

Monsieur Riesling for the entire day of February 28 1885 repeated over and over as he fired each shot into the incoming and unsuspecting faces of the 20000 strong Chinese army, "I'm tired of digesting buttons".

Quite understandably Frayne had always had an issue with incontinence, not only in himself, but in the will of others, and his latest culinary adventures had rendered him almost incapable of venturing too far into the warm embrace of porcelain recepticles of waste. Considerably due to the fact that Tuyen Quang Fortress was not a lush hotel on the Champs d'Elysees, but even the outhouses (ingeniously consisting of a hole in the ground covered with a plank of admittedly exquisite mahogany) were not welcome depositories of his appetent bowels.

His rage was palpable. Within hours the Chinese army could do little but retreat into the non-existent shadows, and thus exposed by sunlight, and the open, receive a feral bullet in the back of their head.

After the dust settled from the whirlwind of anger emanating from the small but heroic man, his anger dissipated into the diaphanous ether of the Chinese wind gently dabbling its spindly fingers upon the coiled breath of the Yellow Sea. And with a punctilious visitation from the Gods of all things, Riesling immediately soiled himself with incomparable relief.

. . . In due course of time a ceremony to honour said soldiers of the Defense of Tuyen Quang was arranged, during which various individuals received specific medals for bravery and valiance. It was never really decided whether Riesling was honoured for his bravery and single handed victory over the evil Black Flags, or whether he was being coddled by the government for embarassing himself so thoroughly at the battle's culmination. Frayne Riesling decided the decision must have rested upon the latter justification, as there was no mention of him having shot anyone at all during the battle, but rather that as la general stated, "He maintained his dignity throughout the battle, and for a short time afterwards".

Riesling accepted his medal without comment, although his rage was once again all too apparent, that had it not been for the quick interjection of the Infantry to sway him to our cause, perhaps we would have seen the sequel performance of the Battle of Tuyen Quang under the marble glare of the Arc de Triumph.

. . . Now, you are privy to the fine company you are joining.

I must leave, dinner is served.